Your Children are Looking at Pornography. How are You Responding?

Nicholas Black

By Nicholas Black

The title of this article presupposes two things: first, your children are being exposed to pornography, and second, you are already responding – even if you are doing nothing. Maybe you are tempted to toss aside this article with a shrug, “Well, my kids haven’t been exposed and I am careful to protect them. I don’t need to read this.” But – watch an hour of prime time television and you have seen pornography. Drive past any number of billboards while on a trip and you have seen pornography. Look at the fashion posters in the clothing stores at the mall and you have seen it, in some form.

Don’t believe it? Here is one problem to begin with: We have a very limited definition of pornography. Most of us think of pornography as something found on the Internet, or in adult book stores or behind the counter in convenience stores. While dictionaries might define pornography as pictorial or literary renderings of obscene material related to nudity or the sex act, it is much broader than that. Pornography is anything the heart uses to find sexual expression outside of God’s intended design for relational intimacy. It is anything that tempts and corrupts the human heart into desiring sensual pleasure in sinful ways.

By this definition, we live in a pornographic culture. Think of everything you see on a given day, from driving to the office to watching TV at night. Beer and soap advertisements, as well as underwear ads, all use the human body in provocative ways to catch the attention of the audience. It is not so much that sex is used to sell products, but that products are being used to sell sex. A woman groaning erotically while having her hair washed in a TV ad is not encouraging us to think about clean hair, but about having a sexual encounter.

What is happening here? The culture is attempting to feed our hearts. It tells us our life is incomplete without the product it is trying to sell us. And when sex is used to sell it, it implies that the product will give us something even more enticing—it will make us into a beautiful woman or man, or draw one toward us, or make possible a sexual encounter.

The sensuality of our culture has laid the groundwork, in some sense, for why overt pornography (like what is common on the Internet) has such power over us. The endless stream of sensual and sexual images touches upon the inner hunger for more, which is a result of living in a fallen world. The need for human relationship, a created good but itself broken by sin, is something the culture teaches can be filled, not by long-term friendships or marriage, but by sexual and sensual pleasure whenever you can get it. This is why a definition of pornography must be broader in scope. The messages and images we are bombarded with today entices our hearts into desiring sexual and sensual pleasures in ways that are far outside of God’s boundaries.

These are the messages your children are inundated with beyond measure. When thinking about the critical issue of protecting your children from viewing or engaging in much more damaging pornography, you need to know that, daily, your children are being brainwashed into thinking that they need to be sexually active to be happy and fulfilled. You need to address the over-arching problem of how our culture sexualizes everything before your children may become addicted to pornography. There are two major things to do.

1. Create a Nurturing Environment to talk about sex with your children

The first thing parents need to do is just begin talking about sex. This is easier said than done, as the issue of sexuality is so closely connected to matters of one’s past behavior, shame, sin, present behavior and all the brokenness that the Fall has brought down on sex. But if you don’t begin bringing this subject into the open in your home, you will leave your children defenseless against a culture that is quite willing to talk about sex (and show it) to your children.

Start by working to create a safe environment in your home to talk about emotionally difficult things. Many parents think they are protecting their children by not talking about sex, but in reality they are creating an environment where the children will learn that sex is a taboo subject. But as they grow older, if you have not been talking regularly about sex with your children, then how will they deal with the normal sexual urges and desires they will have growing up? If there is no clear message coming from you, then you can pretty much know where it will be coming from. What’s worse is, if the only time they hear you talking about sex is when you are critical of it (judging other’s behavior), or if your only message is to not have sex before marriage, then they will grow up helpless against the onslaught of unbiblical messages coming their way.

Start by examining God’s view of sex

To teach your children about healthy sexuality, and to begin creating a nurturing environment to talk about it, first examine your own view of sexuality. Is your understanding of sex grounded in Scripture or is it more based on your own parental upbringing or experiences? There is no way to avoid the impact of your own upbringing here, but it is critical to make what God’s Word says about it paramount. The Bible is very free in discussing sexuality. In Genesis 2:25 we read that Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed. The Bible says there is nothing wrong with the human body and sexuality—it is the sin of Adam and Eve in disobeying God that caused sexuality to be distorted. It is only after they rebelled against God by eating the forbidden fruit that suddenly they were ashamed by their nakedness. In Proverbs 5:15-19 husbands are encouraged to rejoice in their wives—to enjoy their wives’ breasts and to be drunk with her loving-making. In the Song of Solomon we have vivid descriptions of the joys of sexuality in the context of marriage. So, what message are you giving your children? Do they see sex as a beautiful gift from God to be enjoyed within the context of marriage, or do they see it as something embarrassing that cannot be discussed? Are they being taught, by your words and your actions, that sex in the context of marriage is something that is right, good, exciting, and life-affirming?

Set the stage on this topic early on with your children. Even if you are late in the game, don’t hesitate to start it now. Learn what the Bible says about sex and let your own misunderstandings and distortions be shaped by God’s Word. Let God’s view of sexuality become yours. If your children are young, talk to them openly and in age-appropriate ways about sex: what it is for; why it is reserved for marriage between a man and a woman; how they should think and feel about sex and their own bodies. If your kids are older, do the same thing, but with teens you may only get an audience by coming at the topic “sideways.” Engage them in conversation over movies, television, news stories, etc. Ask them what their peers are saying about sex and relationships. This can be a good way to get them to open up about their own concerns and struggles about sex, which can then lead into a more “direct” talk on the subject.

Address the Deeper Longings of their Heart

Talking about the physical or aspects of sex with our children is not enough. There is more to sexuality than Biology 101. But even talking about the emotional aspects of sex is not enough. Sex begins not with the biology of our bodies, but with the longing for relationship in our hearts.

The beginning of this article focused on the fact that our culture uses a “porn is norm” approach to entice our hearts to want something that will fill our hearts with what we lack. Advertisers clearly understand the human heart, that we have deep inner longings that never seem to be adequately met. That is why pornography is so powerful. Until our children understand why they can feel lonely in a crowded room… until our children understand why they wish life had a happy ending like the movies… until our children understand why they can be sad for no apparent reason… until they understand the longing and emptiness that is always there inside of them, they will never know how to defend themselves against the strong, enticing pull of pornography.

We need to consistently communicate to our children that everyone has these inner longings that cannot be completely fulfilled in this life. This is not to create despair but to give hope. This is Christianity 101—that sin has shattered everything in the world, and our longing for something more in life is a sign that points us toward the One who alone can ultimately fulfill us. We were created to be completely fulfilled in an eternal relationship with God, and from that all human relationships would flourish. But now, because of our broken hearts, even the best relationship we might have with God and others will leave us, in this life, longing for more.

Knowing this, about what we are made for and how sin has broken and impaired this relationship with God and others, can help our children identify their longings and resist the inevitable pull to meet them in false and sinful ways. Knowing why we have these longings is one of the best pieces of wisdom a parent can impart to a child. It will give the child a way to process all sorts of emotions and temptations.

Ask the right kinds of questions

How do you address these inner longings with your child? First, do what Jesus did—ask questions all over the place! Parents who only want to make sure their children don’t do anything wrong will generally engage them with commands and lectures. But parents who are wiser, knowing that their children are sinners like themselves and will do wrong things, will engage their behavior and their hearts with probing questions. The first recorded words from Jesus in the book of John is a question: “What do you seek?” When addressing the disabled man at the pool of Bethesda, who obviously wanted nothing more than to walk again, he asked him a question, “Do you want to be healed?” Jesus always engaged a person at the level of the heart. We must do the same with our children. Do not just settle for what you see on the surface, their behavior. Dig deeper, for the sake of their souls!

When seeking to engage your child’s heart, watch your own heart! It is easy to ask questions that can be asked in a way that seeks to expose someone for judgment. Are you seeking information just so you can lower the axe? Are you trying to uncover behavior so that you can punish or “ground” your child? The wrong kind of questions, coming from the wrong kind of motive, will drive a child deeper into seclusion and secrecy—the very place sin, especially sexual sin, thrives.

Instead, ask questions that invite your child’s heart to show itself. Ask questions that help him talk about his feelings (positive and negative) and not just get him to explain his behavior. For example: “You’ve been spending a long time on your computer. What is it that you enjoy doing on it?” If you, instead, acted on your fears and directly asked: “Are you looking at porn?” you would close the discussion down immediately. Use an “open-ended question” to start off the conversation and then follow it with similar questions. You may (or may not) in that conversation get much detail, but a lifetime of engaging your child with questions that help them to be real is what you want to do. The right kind of questions will affirm the child as being a person of value (created in the image of God) and someone you love and care about. The right kind of questions will allow the child to express his or her hurts and pains. The right kind of questions will uncover the deeper longings that they wrestle with and allow you the opportunity to share truths about God and how to live life by his grace. Ask yourself when talking with your child, “Is this question going after behavior or is it trying to reveal the heart? Am I seeking to expose for judgment or am I seeking to know their soul?”

Listen with the right way of hearing

Second, as you ask your questions, be careful to genuinely listen and not over-react. Often our children will share something they have done, or a fantasy they may have, and we will react in a knee-jerk way. This is understandable, because we as parents are very protective of our children, but over-reacting when they have risked being vulnerable with us will communicate to them that you will not love them on that level. Staying calm and connected with him or her tells your child that your love for them is real, especially when they are being real and honest with you. When you do this, you are in a position to speak into their lives and have them listen to you. By really listening to them, you will find that they will be more willing to allow you to share with them your own concerns, listen to any alternate ways of thinking or behavior you might share with them and, more importantly, help them wrestle with what God’s Word says as you look to the Scriptures for answers.

Understand their world with the right kind of knowledge

Third, take the time to learn what your child is up against. Enter his or her world. This may mean that you have to do some research. You may have to educate yourself about what his or her peers believe. For example: Did you know that many teens think that they can have oral sex with numerous partners and still be a virgin? Are you aware of how many ways your child can be bombarded with sexual images (Internet, message apps, text messages, photo sharing sites, etc)?

Every generation has faced sexual temptation and has been pulled to behave in ways that are outside of God’s design. But this generation, with its proliferation of ways to gather information and communicate, is clearly up against the most formidable temptation that has ever existed. As their parent, you must stay on top of what your child faces every day.

Part of taking the time to learn about their world is also determining the extent of the problem your child might be facing. You need to know the dangers out there and also what your child has gotten into. So if you discover your son is visiting adult sites on the Internet, find out, in a non-threatening manner, how often he does this. What kinds of sites (heterosexual, homosexual, streaming videos, etc.) is he visiting? Such a string of questions might sound like you are grilling him, so how you ask will be critical to “invite” him to be honest with you. It is critical that you seek to discern the extent of your child’s behavior, constantly affirming to him that you are not doing this so that you can punish, but to figure out how best to help. Do not let a witch-hunt mentality develop. Instead, hold onto the idea that you are like a surgeon trying to determine the extent of the cancer so that you can treat the patient. Look for patterns in the behaviors that might reveal the deeper heart issues. Remember your goal in all of this is to look for the motives of the heart that might be leading your son or daughter into dangerous territory. Keep circling back in your mind to the fact that everyone’s sinful behaviors come out of sinful decisions made to address the core issues of the heart. Your goal is to help your child see, as much as possible, what is happening beneath the surface of their behavior.

2. Lead by Example

It should be obvious that the course of action described above cannot occur in one conversation. It is a life-long process. Start doing it now. Carefully build that environment in which you and your children can take steps to be real and open with one another. Asking good heart-directed questions, listening well and understanding the world in which they live, will go a long way toward creating such a nurturing environment.

But lead now. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Technology is rapidly advancing, and the culture is rapidly moving away from traditional (much less Christian) values. You cannot shield your children from problems and sin in this world. You can only shepherd them and give to them the life-long tools of thinking and behaving that will better help them resist the pressures they will inevitably face once they are grown-up and on their own.

If your children are young, start talking to them now about God’s design for sex (see Take Courage! Parents and the Dreaded Conversation, another article on our website).

If you have found that your children have been looking at porn–and again, the odds are overwhelming that they have–go to our bookstore to order a copy of our minibook:  iSnooping on Your Kid: Parenting in an Internet World This mini book will give you further tools on how to talk to your kids about healthy sexuality and the destructive effects of pornography, along with many practical, technological preventative steps to take.

To help teach your child what are the subtle ways porn impacts and twists one’s mind and heart in ways that destroy relationships, read our minibook: What’s Wrong with a Little Porn When You’re Single.

You might be thinking right now, with the direction the culture is going, that your children are doomed to make it through their childhood, much less their whole life, without escaping this scourge. Remember this, though: The good news is that the first followers of Jesus Christ found themselves in a culture just as deeply broken and sexualized as our own. The Greek and Roman pantheon thrived on unlimited and outrageous sexual debauchery. The early church was filled with people who were coming out of lifestyles of immorality (I Corinthians 6:9-11). Yet the truth of the gospel overcame the pressures to conform to that culture. The gospel then is the gospel now: It is God’s grace that “teaches us to say no to ungodliness and world passions” (Titus 2:11-12, NIV). God’s word still speaks powerfully to these issues. You can have the faith that as you share this same gospel with your children they will experience hope and change. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. Our hope as parents does not falter.

How Walking with Men in Their Sexual Struggles Changed Me

By Rev. Robert Lynn

Part of Harvest USA’s mission is to encourage and equip churches to reach out to individuals struggling with sexual brokenness and sin. Several years ago, two Harvest USA staff members traveled to Ann Arbor, Michigan, to meet with the pastoral staff and present a seminar at Knox Presbyterian Church. Pastor Robert Lynn spearheaded this cooperative effort. He now writes how God has since used him in the lives of strugglers and how he has reaped personal benefits. Hopefully his words will encourage you to step out in faith as well.

Recently, one of the pastors I serve with stopped me as we left a bi-weekly meeting. “I’ve got to tell you,” he said, “that you’ve really changed over the past eight months or so. You seem so much more relaxed and at ease. You’re taking things in stride in ways you didn’t use to…” The conversation went on a few minutes as he articulated the differences he noticed. I was taken by surprise, but it didn’t take long to see the significance of the eight month time frame.

A bit of background might be helpful to understand this small tale of pastoral transformation. It was a difficult season of ministry for me. It was difficult to the point of me thinking, “I don’t want a new church. I want a new career!” I found myself tending to ministry wounds, but then many months later I was no longer focusing on these hurts.

What happened over the course of almost a year that took my healing to new depths? Quite literally, God opened a door one January and one by one a string of men struggling with sexual sin entered my life. Eight months later they’re still coming. I look back now and see that God was preparing for all this over a year ago – understandably, I couldn’t see that then.

What is the result of walking with these men in their sexual struggles? First, there is the opportunity to bring good news to them again and again. I have the privilege of calling them to the only One who has the wisdom and power to make all things new. It seems that I’m always talking about the gospel!

Second, there is growth and strengthening of my own faith – my own understanding of how Jesus is sufficient for the men and me. When I begin to grasp that and stake my life on it, things begin to change. Jesus will meet all my needs; therefore, I do not need to trust in worldly things to find meaning or peace.

Third, there is an overflow of deep, deep joy. As I read the Psalms, David provides words that say it best, “You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound” (Psalm 4:7, ESV). How can fellow sinners get together with the Gospel at the center and not see an explosion of joy? If anything brings new vitality and passion for ministry it’s Gospel-promised, cross-purchased, and resurrection-guaranteed joy.

Fourth, I have a new love for my fellow strugglers. In 401 AD, Saint Augustine wrote his friend Pammachius, “I have seen your inner being… Seeing this has made me know you, and knowing you has made me love you.” I have experienced this same truth. These men have all let me into their hearts to see their needs. I have seen Christ at work in them as we engage the Gospel. Seeing has made me know them and knowing them has made me love them.

Finally, I now realize how much a pastor needs strugglers. My personal struggle has been ministry wounds and anger, while theirs has been sex, but we each need Jesus desperately. To my surprise, I find that the one who points them to Jesus needs Jesus as much as any of them.

How Christianity turned the tables in the 1st century – and still does

By John Freeman

John Freeman

TWO THINGS are usually dear to our hearts: sex and money. We so value control of these that we have adverse reactions to anyone or anything that gets in the way. A good way to know that these may be idols in our lives is how we respond inwardly if they are ever threatened. Believers in the early church understood this.

In the first-century Christian church, followers of Jesus were easy targets. This was because the surrounding culture was shocked at how they lived. In the Greco-Roman world, it was all about being guarded, even tightfisted, with your pocketbook, your money, and yet being very liberal with your body. You shared it with anyone you liked, any time you liked, any way you liked, with either males or females—maybe all at the same time in orgies, which were common.

Along came Jesus. He entered the depravity of the world and gave people a sense of worth and dignity. He hung around the down-and-out, the social misfits and outsiders. He did this so much that the religious people of the day considered him a loser and labeled him unclean, because he surrounded himself with shady characters and sinners—the unreligious.

Jesus also offered people both a clean slate from their past sins and a friendship with God, no matter what their background. All they had to do was quit trying so hard to make up for their own faults and failures; to quit trying so hard to be religious. Jesus welcomed all who had run out of solutions for own their lives. As a result they became different people and it became all about inverted living; that is, living just the opposite of everyone else. This was not because they tried so hard to be good, but because God forgave them, and as a result it affected how they lived, how they treated others and how they viewed their bodies and possessions.

Instead of being liberal and free when it came to sex and their bodies, they became protective and stingy about their bodies. The body was seen as special and holy, because God now resided there. On the other hand, according to Acts 2:45 in the Bible, they became liberal with their money and material assets:

Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone who had need.

People sold what they didn’t need, maybe stuff just sitting around collecting dust, and gave the money to those who had need of it.

We also learn from historians of the time that these early followers of Jesus also did some other unconventional, even radical stuff. While it was the habit of first-century Roman society to leave infant girls out to die in the harsh elements, Jesus’ followers rescued them and took them home. They also nursed and cared for the sick and dying in the midst of many diseases and plagues. While others fled plague-ridden cities, going out of their way to avoid the sick and dying, Christians purposely did just the opposite. Those in the early church became the first social workers and started the first hospitals. The Roman emperors of the first and second century were astounded by all this, so much so that they wrote about it.

God is still the same today. He desires to do business with those who know they need rescuing and salvaging, those who are needy and desperate for changed lives. All we have to do is stop trying so hard and ask. As a result our lives are put on a different course and we’re free to love and serve others in new and bold ways.

Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? 4 of 4. Letting go of a Gay Identity

Four Stories from Women

Ellen Dykas

Fourth Testimony: “Emily”

I let go of a Gay Identity when I embraced my True Identity in Jesus

Growing up Delaware, I never had any crushes or broken hearts on guys or girls. In high school, I began watching documentaries on public television about gays and found myself drawn to them. Into the void left by an undeveloped sexual preference, I began to place a preference on being gay as a sexual option, which I thought offered a stronger connection to others. It was this sense of connection that drew me in, along with the knowledge that being gay would give me a sense of identity. An attraction to women developed, but through my early college years in Los Angeles I never pursued a relationship.

During that time I became a Christian, but after dropping out of college and entering the workforce, I began attending a gay-affirming church which taught that homosexuality was a God-blessed option. On my first visit, I fell in love with a woman wearing a tie-died T-shirt who was playing guitar for the worship team. Suddenly, my visit to this church took on a whole new emotional spark. I came “out” and was accepted as a lesbian, and made friends with others who embraced being both gay and Christian.

I began dating this woman and that continued on and off for several years. During that time I struggled with a feeling that what I was doing was wrong. Even while I was thrilled with the relational connections I was making with other gay men and women, this feeling of wrongness never left me. I ended my relationship with this woman several times for this reason, but I kept asking her to come back. Finally, the relationship ended, once and for all. I later moved back to Delaware and began attending a Sovereign Grace church. This church had just finished a series called Different by Design and I immediately bought a copy of the sermons. They were about how men and women were created to be equal but were different. I learned how all of creation is ordered by the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. I saw how marriage between a man and a man or a woman and a woman turned creation on its head.

I repented of my gay identity and began actively learning about marriage and what it would mean to be relationally committed to a man. Three months later I met the man who would become my husband, and a year after that we married. I love my husband I and I enjoy the sexual relationship we share. I still struggle with same-sex attractions. I still find women attractive, but I keep my eyes from lingering on their images in my mind. My strongest lesbian inclinations now only exist in my dreams. I sometimes awaken, longing for the connections provided by a gay identity, but I know now that there would be no sense of peace if I embraced that. I also know that my identity must be in Christ, and that is something I must keep my mind focused on. I have always longed to be known in a deep way. Whereas before I filled my longing to be known through the connections I made in my gay relationships, I now find that I am known deeply— by my husband and by God.

Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Story 3 of 4 – I kissed a girl…

Third Testimony: Christine

Ellen Dykas

I Kissed a Girl…But I Wasn’t Born that Way!

When I think back on my first steps into a homosexual relationship (I was 14 and am now 19 years old), I can see clearly now what I didn’t know then, that a) many factors influenced the decision I made that day; b) I had no idea how much those choices would impact my life, faith and how I thought about myself; and that c) God allowed me to experience hitting bottom so I’d follow Him with my whole heart rather than just continuing to “play church.” I’m grateful that God used all this to give me a heart for broken people—like myself—and especially for teens who are struggling to make sense of their own sexuality in the midst of so many different voices out there.

So, on that day when I was 14 years old, I skipped school with a friend and as we sat and drank a few beers she teased me about a girl who had said that she had feelings for me. I had never really put much thought into same-sex attraction or homosexuality until probably a few months before, when I started hanging out with this friend and a few others that considered themselves bisexual. When this girl told me she liked me I didn’t really know how to react. I wasn’t really attracted to her, but in the back of my mind lingered a lot of curiosity. As my friend and I sat there it somehow came down to her talking to this girl on the phone and telling her to come and meet us where we were. I kissed a girl that day. . . but wow, I had no idea about the can of worms that I had opened in my heart and in my mind that day! I remember going to work later and saying to myself, over and over, “I can’t believe I did that.” I was shaken. I went on to date this girl and to this day I still sometimes wonder why. I didn’t really care about her and did very little to please her.

But what this first relationship did for me was that it opened up for me a whole new realm and it wasn’t too long after this that I fell hard for a girl. What followed then was a succession of relationships that were based on infatuation—attraction followed by desire followed by involvement, and then starting all over again with someone new. I knew in my heart that this was wrong but my emotions and the rush of it all kept me “in.” I felt addicted to these relationships, wanting to do anything I could to make her happy. My teen life went on: girls came into my life and girls left my life—and guys did, too.

Over the past five years, there have been ups and downs for me as I have felt deeply the struggle with same-sex attraction. I’ve had countless people tell me that it’s impossible to change and that I would never be able to get out of this lifestyle. I was even taught by many Christians that “You are born this way, and that this is a part of you that is unchangeable.”

All that is a whole lot of baloney and is NOT helpful!

My brother or sister in Christ, if you take nothing else out of this story, please just remember that our God has no limit to what he can accomplish in your life. He is the author of grace. He is known for doing the ”impossible” and loves you more than you could ever fully grasp. If this is your struggle, I sympathize with you because I know firsthand that this is not an easy road. It’s a road that is one of the most difficult ones I’ve ever traveled on.

I know what it’s like to hold what you desire most in this world in your arms and let it go because it’s not right. I know how much letting go of a person can disintegrate everything you thought you were as a person. I know also that even in my lowest times, when I’ve turned my back to God, he always had a grip on me. How did I know that? Because I could never really feel at peace. It’s sad, but true, that if I could have been at peace at living in sin I would probably be writing a different story right now.

So hang in there and take it day by day. Change is possible, and so is getting out of a situation you feel totally stuck in. I don’t know where you are at today or what your story is, but please do not lose hope. Keep your relationship with God constant; surround yourself with people who lift you up and point you to his word and to Jesus. The Lord has blessed me and taught me so much. There is nothing like feeling loved, cherished, and desired from the God who created not only the universe but everything in it. The road will not be easy but by God’s grace we can all make it to the other side. Change is indeed possible!

Christine’s story gives a great picture of how some people (not all!) grow into a gay identity: a relationship that feels good; sexual/physical pleasure; and people all around affirming this as inborn and unchangeable. What do you think: have you or someone close to you walked a similar path of “growing into” a gay identity? If so, take encouragement from Christine’s story: she’s grown into a deeper faith through all of this. She knows more deeply that the God of heaven is a God of grace and love.

Homosexuality, Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Story Two of Four.

Ellen Dykas

Second Testimony: “Susan”

My self-described “labels” changed…but my identity in Christ is secure and permanent!  

Twenty-one years into my marriage, my husband announced one day, “I’m leaving you for another woman.”  I was devastated.  I fell into a deep emotional abyss as my life and my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. My friend, who had been talking to me for several years about Christ, stepped into my pain with gentleness and love.  Into my broken world she ministered to me, sitting with me for hours as I poured out my pain and my tears.  She read to me from the Bible and continued to share Jesus with me.

Several months later I did ask Jesus into my heart and accepted Him as my Savior. My friend and I continued to meet almost daily; ours was a completely new level of relationship for me.  With her I felt complete and deeply known for the first time in my life.  I needed her desperately, and soon began to long for her when she was absent. Without noticing it, my life began to revolve around our time together.  When we were together she held me as I cried, and rubbed my back and dried my tears.  Her touch was such a comfort to me and there was an intense feeling of being connected.  It was just a matter of time before we moved into sexual touching and then, a full sexual relationship. Even as a new Christian, I knew that this was not OK with God and I struggled to understand how what felt so right could be wrong.  After several years, our secret relationship became public and what then began as a new devastation in my life was actually the first step of a new journey into wholeness.

This new struggle lasted for many years.  I have moved from identifying myself as a lesbian, to a woman who struggles with same-sex attraction, to a follower of Jesus who has experienced relational brokenness.  I have learned, with the help of godly counsel and Bible study, that the intense, all-consuming, emotional connection I craved from another person was not God’s design for healthy relationships.  What I perceived as intimacy was a dysfunctional enmeshment, an entanglement of two relationally-broken people looking to each other to fill the space that only God can fill.  I had put my relationship with my friend on the throne of my life, occupying the place that belongs only to Jesus.  Praise God that he continues to heal me as I seek to worship only him and find the answer to all of my longings in Christ.

Notice how “Susan” describes the change she experienced in her sense of identity: from lesbian to same-sex struggler to a follower of Christ who battles temptation in this area. How is this hopeful for you as a woman or man who is tempted to cross God-designed sexual boundaries in order to feel loved?

Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Four Stories from Women

Ellen Dykas

First Testimony:  Ellen Dykas“Spousal-sexual”—a new category to consider?

After I began to serve with Harvest USA, I attended an Exodus International conference in 2008 and participated in an open discussion among Women’s Ministry Leaders who serve in sexual-wholeness related ministries. The focus of our discussion that day was this heated question: Is change really possible for the same-sex attracted person?  In the room were close to 25 women, from all over the country, and they talked about the different stories of their homosexual experiences.

Many of the women were now living lives of sexual abstinence as singles, after having turned to Christ. There were a few women who, while at one time openly gay-identified, were now married to Christian men. Others, who through emotional dependency found themselves in homosexual relationships, were now growing wisely in loving other women well within godly boundaries.

All their stories were testimonies of change, each one specific to her unique life.  One testimony, however, really hit my heart.  A married woman named Ann said, “You know, I’m not attracted to women anymore, but I’m also not attracted to men; but I adore my husband!”

Ann’s story of having grown in her identity in being a loved daughter of God, and then being ‘spousal-sexual’ really rang true for me personally.  I am not someone who is same-sex attracted, but I am also someone who hasn’t had the “typical” heterosexual crushes that my friends all had.  There have been a few men with whom I have experienced emotional and physical attraction, but for most of my life I felt very “other.”  I didn’t seem to fit in any category.

But Ann’s words really taught me afresh that, it only takes one man to be a husband!  So, I began to focus my prayers for relationship along this path:  Lord, if you have marriage for me, then I ask you to keep my heart and ALL my attractions guarded until and unless they be focused on  the man you’d have me to marry. I want to be “husband-sexual!” 

This freed me up so much, and was another huge way the Lord moved in my own heart years ago to grow me in seeking to have my heart set on Christ and his will, rather than fitting into categories of sexuality that our culture (and the Church, too) have defined as our “identity.”

For my next three blog posts, I’ll be posting testimonies of women who have wrestled with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, and also have been a part of the ministry of Harvest USA. Each of these sisters will share their unique stories and personal thoughts on how Christ brings true “change.”

What are your thoughts about the idea of “spousal sexuality?”   Do you think as a category it is helpful or unhelpful?  Please share your thoughts!