Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Story 3 of 4 – I kissed a girl…

Third Testimony: Christine

Ellen Dykas

Ellen Dykas

I Kissed a Girl…But I Wasn’t Born that Way!

When I think back on my first steps into a homosexual relationship (I was 14 and am now 19 years old), I can see clearly now what I didn’t know then, that a) many factors influenced the decision I made that day; b) I had no idea how much those choices would impact my life, faith and how I thought about myself; and that c) God allowed me to experience hitting bottom so I’d follow Him with my whole heart rather than just continuing to “play church.” I’m grateful that God used all this to give me a heart for broken people—like myself—and especially for teens who are struggling to make sense of their own sexuality in the midst of so many different voices out there.

So, on that day when I was 14 years old, I skipped school with a friend and as we sat and drank a few beers she teased me about a girl who had said that she had feelings for me. I had never really put much thought into same-sex attraction or homosexuality until probably a few months before, when I started hanging out with this friend and a few others that considered themselves bisexual. When this girl told me she liked me I didn’t really know how to react. I wasn’t really attracted to her, but in the back of my mind lingered a lot of curiosity. As my friend and I sat there it somehow came down to her talking to this girl on the phone and telling her to come and meet us where we were. I kissed a girl that day. . . but wow, I had no idea about the can of worms that I had opened in my heart and in my mind that day! I remember going to work later and saying to myself, over and over, “I can’t believe I did that.” I was shaken. I went on to date this girl and to this day I still sometimes wonder why. I didn’t really care about her and did very little to please her.

But what this first relationship did for me was that it opened up for me a whole new realm and it wasn’t too long after this that I fell hard for a girl. What followed then was a succession of relationships that were based on infatuation—attraction followed by desire followed by involvement, and then starting all over again with someone new. I knew in my heart that this was wrong but my emotions and the rush of it all kept me “in.” I felt addicted to these relationships, wanting to do anything I could to make her happy. My teen life went on: girls came into my life and girls left my life—and guys did, too.

Over the past five years, there have been ups and downs for me as I have felt deeply the struggle with same-sex attraction. I’ve had countless people tell me that it’s impossible to change and that I would never be able to get out of this lifestyle. I was even taught by many Christians that “You are born this way, and that this is a part of you that is unchangeable.”

All that is a whole lot of baloney and is NOT helpful!

My brother or sister in Christ, if you take nothing else out of this story, please just remember that our God has no limit to what he can accomplish in your life. He is the author of grace. He is known for doing the ”impossible” and loves you more than you could ever fully grasp. If this is your struggle, I sympathize with you because I know firsthand that this is not an easy road. It’s a road that is one of the most difficult ones I’ve ever traveled on.

I know what it’s like to hold what you desire most in this world in your arms and let it go because it’s not right. I know how much letting go of a person can disintegrate everything you thought you were as a person. I know also that even in my lowest times, when I’ve turned my back to God, he always had a grip on me. How did I know that? Because I could never really feel at peace. It’s sad, but true, that if I could have been at peace at living in sin I would probably be writing a different story right now.

So hang in there and take it day by day. Change is possible, and so is getting out of a situation you feel totally stuck in. I don’t know where you are at today or what your story is, but please do not lose hope. Keep your relationship with God constant; surround yourself with people who lift you up and point you to his word and to Jesus. The Lord has blessed me and taught me so much. There is nothing like feeling loved, cherished, and desired from the God who created not only the universe but everything in it. The road will not be easy but by God’s grace we can all make it to the other side. Change is indeed possible!

Christine’s story gives a great picture of how some people (not all!) grow into a gay identity: a relationship that feels good; sexual/physical pleasure; and people all around affirming this as inborn and unchangeable. What do you think: have you or someone close to you walked a similar path of “growing into” a gay identity? If so, take encouragement from Christine’s story: she’s grown into a deeper faith through all of this. She knows more deeply that the God of heaven is a God of grace and love.