Why Do People Fall Back into Homosexuality? It’s Just Too Painful – 1 of 6

John Freeman

This six-part series is also available on our website, www.harvestusa.org/resources/articles/same-sex attraction and is on the print edition of our Winter Harvest News (just part one). But we love to get comments, so feel free to read John’s posts over the next several days and give us your comments!

A question that is asked here at Harvest USA is a common one. “Why do people, Christians even, go back to a gay life after they have come for help?” It’s a legitimate question. For Christians who believe the historic Word, the Scriptures, and believe that faith in Christ makes one a “new creation,” the issue may seem confusing, but the answer must be honest and biblically-grounded. Let me give you 6 reasons to explain what might be happening here, as we have seen some common denominators over the years in our ministry work.


It’s just too painful

Pain is a major motivator for all of us. We seek to avoid pain, and if we are in pain, we seek to get out of it. Even if the pain we are experiencing is something we need to go through in order to reach a better place, the experience of the pain itself can motive us to go back to our original state.

Whenever we cultivate sinful behavior or thought patterns, there is always a “death” that goes along with putting off and abandoning that behavior or thought pattern. There is a void in the place of the person you need to leave or the addictive habit you need to stop. What once filled your heart, even though it was ungodly to do so, leaves a pain-filled emptiness inside. However, this is an important part of the healing process! It must happen! Repentance is more than just saying “I’m sorry;” it involves a change of mind and heart and necessitates a different action—turning around and going in the other direction.

There is pain involved in denying ourselves what we wish for in the depths of our heart. It’s true of the drug addict coming clean, of the single person saying “no” to continuing a sex-outside-of-marriage relationship and of the gay person struggling with same-sex attraction or behavior. Sometimes it just hurts to see that you can’t go back to that old place that was so familiar, so second-nature.

“Wait a minute,” you might say. “How could someone hunger for their old life when they have the presence and promises of God?”

It happens. Why? Because it is our nature! The Bible talks about how the Israelites were led out of captivity in a powerful way by the miraculous power and presence of God. Yet, when hard times came, they hungered for their past bondage, believing that what they had was better than what God was giving to them (see Exodus 14:1-12). It’s in all of our natures!

Some people who begin a journey out of homosexuality know they must cut off associations, friendships and those with whom they have been sexually involved. That’s a kind of “death,” albeit a death that will lead to life. Sometimes people, who begin such a journey, when they encounter that pain, don’t want to endure it any longer, and they despair of Christ ever giving them a feeling of peace and enjoyment that characterized their old life at times. So, they go back.

A second kind of avoidance-of-pain is this: when we see the muck and mire of our own hearts. Most people wrongly think that their first need is to be pain free. We know biblically, however, that our first, greatest and ongoing need is to be forgiven. Only when we see our hearts as they really are do we begin to grasp our deep need of Christ. Yet so often we will go to any length to avoid seeing the true condition of our hearts.

I call this the “Tupperware Syndrome.” Sometimes I’ll go to the refrigerator, hungry for a snack. Because my wife is a Tuppeware adherent, I must discover through extensive investigation what leftover lurks beneath the lids of all those containers. Occasionally, I’ll lift the lid and before I even see what’s inside, I can smell it: The odor of something that’s been in the refrigerator way too long. It’s gone bad. What’s my reaction? I press down the lid and slide it back in the fridge. I’m going to let someone else deal with it. Well, that is often the first response when we see the ugliness of what is in our heart.

Even when we begin to follow Jesus earnestly, we must deal with the scars on our hearts; the scars caused by our own actions and the actions of others against us. The truth is that Jesus changes us through a process of growth, but the pain of our past and the ramifications of our sinful choices and behaviors may remain. Although God gives us a new future, he doesn’t rewrite our past. The past may leave a dark blot and an open wound in our hearts. Into that pain, the struggler must believe that God really does give us a new beginning, a clean record (from our past sins), and a new way to interpret life, heal from our wounds and live in a way that brings glory to God. Pain is not an enemy in this new journey; it is what opens us up to who we are and who God is, so that we might see a new path forward.